@rcrain and @chaikin since you both expressed interest, I have put some code together in the branch adaptive_softening.
It needs compiling with --with-adaptive-softening=yes. The gas only then uses adaptive (comoving) softening linked to the SPH kernel.
Caveats:
does not yet work over MPI.
A small correction term is missing but that's likely having no impact in real life applications with cooling.
What to do at the point of star formation needs to be decided.
Usage:
Nothing to do by default; it just runs.
The range of softenings can be limited to a min/max using the parameters Gravity:min_adaptive_softening and Gravity:min_adaptive_softening. (Both in internal comoving units)